A Letter To My Pre-Mom Self.

Dear Alexis,

           As I see you sitting there at 36 weeks pregnant, feeling alone and scared out of your mind, I want to just hug you and say, "everything is going to be okay". The unknown is scary but I promise you that you are going to be an amazing mama. Right now you are reading every pregnancy and parenting book under the sun. You're worrying about whether or not you want to use formula or breastfeed, use a crib or co-sleep, and you're in the midst of trying to pick out the perfect name for your daughter however, none of this really matters now and it surely won't matter a year from. That's one of the joys of parenting... no one really knows what the "right" way to do it is. To be honest, you'll learn more about parenting during the first month than any parenting book could ever teach you. However, if you find yourself on google from time to time that's okay too.

On top of trying to learn all there is to know about parenting,  it may feel as if all eyes are on you right now however, one day you’re going to prove them all wrong. The rude remarks and comments will stop one day, I promise. While their words may hurt right now, down the road, as you lay with your beautiful baby girl, their words won’t matter.  Please remember that no one is entitled to a spot in you and your daughter’s life. After all, if they can’t be there for you now they have no place in your future. Things may seem stressful now but I promise you they won’t always be this way.

I know you’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately but this won’t last forever. While your friends are out, you find yourself inside googling different brands of baby strollers and although this may seem horrible now, you aren’t going to mind it a year from now. After a while you’ll get used to not getting invites like you used to. Quite honestly, you’ll appreciate the nights spent at home. After all, raising a tiny human is hard work so you’ll need all of the rest you can get. Although your relationship with your friends may never be the same, your daughter will become your new best friend and these lonely nights won’t always seem so lonely.

Please dry your tears. Things feel as if they’re crashing down right now but everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. I understand you want to give your daughter the perfect family but what exactly is a perfect family? Your family may look a little different than others but I promise you that it will be exactly what you guys need. Right now it may feel as if trips to the library and the park will just be the two of you but stay optimistic, he will come around. I wish I could take away the pain you’re feeling right now but just know that things will not be as bad as they seem.  Although every day will be different from the next, there will be mornings filled with family breakfast and trips to the park. I promise you your daughter will have all of the love she needs. 

As I sit here with an almost one year old, I want you to know that everything will be alright. All of the pain and the worry that you’re feeling right now will not last forever. In fact, I can say with confidence that things are going to be okay. A year from now you’ll be experiencing all of the joys of motherhood. You’ll be there to experience your daughter’s first word, the first time she crawls, and you’ll be there to pick her up when she falls.  You’ll learn all of her favorite fruits and all of her little cues. All of the stares and remarks won't matter forever. The missed invites and strained relationships may bother you but just remember that you’ll never truly be alone. As you sit there, holding your belly and reading that parenting book, please remember that you are stronger than you think and that you will get through this.  So please, dry your tears because soon enough you’ll be where I am at now and all of this worry and heartache will be a thing of the past.

With love,

Your Future Self

We made it.

As I sat at the NCAA Championships I couldn't help but think about the past 9 months. It's hard to believe it but 9 months later  and we finally made it. To say that these past 9 months have been easy would be an understatement however, they weren't impossible. Quite honestly up until now I've felt as if I've constantly been on the go and it's true, I have been. There were numerous times that I wanted to quit and give up but I had to remind myself why I was putting my self through all the stress. I had to remind myself that it would all be worth it in end and thus far it has been. 

It all started a short week after Peyton was born. I had no choice but to get back to class, although my professors were all  very understanding. In the midst of trying to learn about this new human being I was now in charge of, I was also trying to master my geology course as well as the other three classes I was enrolled in. That first week back was hard. I felt as if I had missed so much and there was absolutely nothing more  uncomfortable than sitting in class with stitches and engorged breasts. Class only lasted for about 2 to 3 hours each day however, with only about an hour or two of sleep, class seemed to drag on forever. I still can't believe I made it past that first week but somehow we managed, with the help of my grandparents and mom.

For the first month of our new journey I found myself waking up at least 3 or 4 times throughout the night to feed and change Peyton. Then nearly an hour later it would be time to wake up for class. After getting Peyton ready I would scramble to get myself ready and wait for my grandparents to arrive so I could head to class. Class was then followed by a nap with Peyton, a diaper change, and a feeding. This process was repeated 2 or 3 times before bed. Whether or not I showered and had dinner typically depended on my level of exhaustion. I think I showered once or twice within the first week of her birth.... Gross right? While showering was an optional task at the time, homework was not.

As the months went on and after my grandparents and mom returned back to California it seemed as if more and more was being added to our plate. Within the first month and a half of Peyton being born I was back on the track for practice and 4 months later our track season had begun. During that time our days consisted of dropping Peyton off at daycare, class, practice, picking Peyton up, play time, nursing, bath time, more nursing, bedtime for Peyton, and studying for myself.  Now when it came to traveling for meets Peyton spent her weekends with her daycare provider, who is now more like a grandma and a member or the family. Quite honestly, we couldn't have done it without her. 

Traveling for track meets went on for about 5 1/2 months. Those 5 1/2 months seemed to be the longest 5 1/2 months of my life and it seemed as if no matter how many times I had to leave it never got any easier. As a mom I wanted nothing more than to be at home with her but as an athlete and a student I knew there was a job to be done. Finding balance between the two was always hard. In a perfect world I would have gotten to stay at home with Peyton day in and day out but our world was much different than that. In our world our mornings were early, our nights were late, weekends were for travel and track meets (I was lucky enough to have Peyton there to cheer me on at a few), and our free time was OUR time.  It was also important to remember that this was all temporary and soon enough our time would be all the time. 

So how did we do it? In all honesty we had no choice. From the start, quitting was not an option, although it felt as if many people were waiting for me to give up. As a young mom people expect you to quit however, I wanted more than anything to prove them all wrong. I wanted to be a positive voice for myself and other young moms showing that we are not quitters, that age does not define our maturity level and ability to raise a child, and that having a child does not mean life has to stop.When class seemed unbearable I had to remind myself who it was all for. Each and every time I got on an airplane for a meet or in the blocks for a race I had to tell myself "This is for Peyton. Do this for Peyton". I repeated this to myself from the first meet of the season through Big Tens, the regional meet, and finishing up at the National Championships. These past nine months of craziness were all for her and through it all I've learned 2 very important lessons. The first being that nothing is impossible and the second being that coffee is your best friend. 

Why I Chose Love (Part 2)

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Before you were born I set you apart", Jeremiah 1:5. I found myself reading these words over and over again, off  of the pamphlet I received at the doctors. These words stuck with me and really got me thinking. I began thinking about all of the little things like, what my child would look like, what his or her first word would be, if he or she would look like me or daddy, and all of the adventures we would share. However, the thought of raising and being responsible for another person was such a scary thought. I wasn't sure how I would balance it all. How was I going to go to school, practice, and have the time or energy to raise a child?
It was all so overwhelming.

Although I had made my mind up, I couldn't manage to find the words to share the news with my family. Throughout my childhood and continuing on into my teenage years, we had always had a great relationship however, for some reason this news wasn't as easy to share. I didn't want to disappoint anyone and I wasn't prepared for what was to come. It seemed like the easiest option was to  hold this information inside of me but I knew that before I headed back to Iowa, for my spring semester, I would need to tell them the news. But I wasn't quite sure how I was going to say it. How would I tell my family that in the midst of creating a future form myself, I would now be creating a future for another human being. Would they be upset? Would they be sad? Would they be excited?Would they be supportive? Or more importantly, would they still look at me the same?

I paced back and forth for nearly 30 minutes before I finally got the courage to tell me mom. I figured she would understand because she had me at a young age and could relate. However, after hearing her talk about how responsible and mature I was, I couldn't disappoint her. All I could hear her saying was, "Alexis would never have a child young. Her brother would but not Alexis". It was as if she knew what was to come but nothing could have prepared her for what I was going to tell her next. "Mom, please stop," I said as tears began to roll down my cheeks. She seemed puzzled at first but quickly realized what I was trying to say. She was in disbelief but not once did she raise her voice or say any harsh or unkind words. We sat there together and cried. In that moment it was clear that there was support and that the decision was up to me. However, as expected, she reminded me about my obligation to my track team as well as my education. Sure, I thought about those things but those thoughts were drowned by all of the thoughts running through my head about what that tiny human, that was growing inside of me, would grow up to be.

The next to hear the news were my grandparents or grandma I should say, who seemed to be the hardest to tell. (I never had the courage to tell my papa in person because I knew it would break his heart. I'm still very sorry that I didn't)  I was an angel in their eyes and I did not want to disappoint them. At this point it was the day before I had to leave for Iowa and there was no way I could leave without sharing the news. Again, I found myself pacing but after getting the courage I went to my grandma's room and let it out. In between tears and deep breathes of air, I said, "I'm pregnant." Her reaction was far from what I expected. She was confused as to why I was crying, told me that everything happens for a reason, and  reminded me that the decision was mine to make but, when making the decision it was important that I looked at all of my options. What really stuck with me was when she said, "If any part of you thinks you will wonder what your child is going to be like, that is your answer." In that moment I knew that, despite the adversity that was to come, there was no way I could possibly go through getting an abortion. After all, it was not my child's fault that I missed my birth control or had unprotected sex. It was my own irresponsible actions that put me in this situation and it was not fair for that baby to suffer because I decided to take the easy way out or get rid of my "problems". I wanted to love that baby with my whole heart because I am a true believer that every thing happens for a reason. I wanted to know who my child would look like, what he or she would like to do, and who she or he would grow up to be.

From then on I would like to say that things got easier and that my pregnancy was smooth and easy sailing however, it was far from it. It wasn't easy being told for five months that I needed to get an abortion because I was "trapping" a "man", or that I was ruining everyone's life, or that I was going to ruin my child's life. It wasn't easy being told, "I will continue to  pray that you come to your senses and that God will forgive you for it." I found myself isolated from the things that I loved the most. Track was put on hold and it was as if I didn't exist anymore. I was known as "the pregnant girl" and a day didn't go by that someone didn't awkwardly stare at my stomach. In the eyes of others I was another stereotype. On the weekends when friends went out, I sat inside, if I wasn't working at one of the two jobs I had at the time. I had the support of my family and close friends but there was always a piece missing. I have always looked at pregnancy as something you go through with your partner however, in an unstable relationship this isn't always the case. Some days the support and love was there and others it was nowhere to be found. There were times when I felt alone, isolated, and lost and often times I wasn't sure what to do or if  I would be able to get through these bumps in the road, at least not by myself. I found myself wondering if the light at the end of the tunnel would be worth it. During these moments I had to remind myself why it was that I was choosing to love, especially when the other route seemed like the easier one, at least to those around me.

Now that I sit here, six months after the birth of my daughter, I think about why it was exactly that I chose love when I could have taken the easier way out, as others would say. I chose to love for reasons that some may not be able to understand or agree with and that is okay. I chose to love because it wasn't her fault. I was the one who carelessly forgot to take a pill, thinking things would be fine. Why punish an innocent baby for something they aren't responsible for. Now people may say that as women we should have the right to choose but what about the choice to be responsible or think about our actions before hand? (Except in cases of rape of course) I chose to love because, despite of the bumps along the way, I knew that that tiny human would bring so much joy into my life, which she does every single day. I chose to love because a baby isn't a burden but a blessing. At the time, I wasn't sure how I would manage to do it all, but here we are now, six months later and still pushing. I can't even begin to imagine how my life would be without her. Some may say I would have more "me" time or more freedom but having a baby didn't take that away from me. I still manage to fit "me" time into my schedule but given the choice I would much rather prefer "us"  time. I chose to love because if I didn't have a purpose then, I do now. This baby chose me to be her guide in this crazy world and it is up to me to show her the ropes, protect her, and love her. I chose to love because she saved me. Sure, I was on the right path before her birth but there were times that I found myself getting lazy, not wanting to study for tests, settling for a C in a class instead of pushing for that A or B, wanting to go out with my friends, or not wanting to push myself at practice because things were "too hard". Now the tables have turned. Everything I do everyday, I do for her. I stay up at late hours of the night to study for tests and to get assignments done, I spend my weekends with the most precious little girl in the whole world, my life is now much more mellow and organized, I am now focused, and I push myself everyday on the track because my success is our success.
 I chose to love because God chose me to be her mommy and I thank him for that every single day.

Why I Chose Love. (Part 1)

"What about your education and track?" "You are so young!" "You are going to ruin your life, our lives, and that baby's life." These are just some of the words I heard after announcing that I was pregnant. I was told that getting an abortion was the right choice, God would forgive me and how hard it would be to be a mother in college. Many people shared this opinion however, very few talked to me about why I should choose love. No one talked about the love I would feel the first time I looked at my daughter, the joy I would feel waking up to her every morning, or how rewarding being a parent would be. No one told me that the tiny human being that was growing inside of me would change my life for the better. No one told be that that tiny human being would give me a purpose.


I remember the day as if it were yesterday, December 26, 2014. It started with an innocent trip to Walmart for puppy pee pads however, earlier that day I found myself running back and forth to the restroom, something that just did not seem normal. As I passed the family planning aisle, something inside of my told myself to pick up a pregnancy test. Up until that moment, I had not suspected that pregnancy was a concern but I followed that gut instinct. As I got home I quickly went to the restroom, pulled down my pants, sat down, and peed on the stick. Those two minutes seemed to last an eternity however, it didn't take long for me to notice that not just one but two pink lines were appearing. I remember thinking it was a joke so I went about the rest of my night as if nothing had happened at all. The following morning I decided to take the last of the two tests. Again, the pink lines appeared. Things still did not seem real to me so I texted a friend and before I knew it we were on our way to the doctors.

"There is your baby!" said the doctor as she pointed to a small gray circle on the monitor. My body was quickly filled with hundreds of emotions and in that moment I couldn't even attempt to make sense of them all. Before leaving I was handed a goody bag. In it I found lotions, body mist, pamphlets, a picture frame for my sonogram, and a onesie that said "I am loved." I was being congratulated for being pregnant, something that seemed to be so frowned upon, especially at a young age and not married. For the next hour or two I paced back and forth, not knowing what to do or who to call. As expected I reached out to my friends, all of whom had different opinions on the matter. I also reached out to Peyton's father, who's opinion seemed to matter the most, at the time.
As expected, his feelings towards the situation varied from day to day. It quickly became very clear to me that the final decision was up to me however, there wasn't much of a decision to be made because in my heart I knew what I wanted to do all along.  I wanted to love.

About Me.

Although many of you may already know this information, I thought it would be a good idea to start with the basics and share a little bit about myself. To start, I was born on January 26, 1995 in San Diego, California, where I was raised. My parents names are Je'Tawn Mays and Robert Hernandez and I have two younger brothers, Christopher and Jonas. It is important to note that I lived with my parents up until the second grade however, I then made the transition and moved in with my grandparents, Sharon and Kerry Tom. This change drastically effected my future and I truly believe that from then on I flourished. I took various dance classes, ranging from hip hop to ballet, began ice skating, and excelled in school.

Now lets fast forward to high school, where my passion and love for track began. After struggling with trying to find myself in middle school, I went to Mount Carmel High School. It was there that I met some amazing friends, learned life long lessons, and fell in love with track and field. Prior to high school, I had no knowledge on the sport and hadn't spent much  time running because prior to high school, figure skating was my life. It didn't take long for me to get the hang of the sport and before I knew it I was winning races and on my way to the state meet. Track may seem like just a sport however, without it my life would not be the way it is today. I truly believe that track and field shaped who I am today. Without it I would not have made my way to a Division 1 college on a scholarship.

That brings us to now. Here I am, now a junior in college majoring in sociology and criminology and minoring in human relations.  I am also a member of the track and field team, where I run the 400, 600, and 4 x 400 relay. Up until four months ago I was your average student-athlete. My life consisted of waking up early, going to weights, class, and practice then ending the day with hours of homework and studying. However, four months ago I became a mother to my beautiful daughter, Peyton Noelle. My life has changed immensely after having her (I will go into detail in a later post). While my days are very similar to previous semesters, they now include dirty diapers, cluster feedings, spit up and lots of snuggles and laughter. Balancing the three has been far from easy however, I am a true believer that God has a plan for my me and my daughter. It is safe to say that my life is far from your average college student and it has it's challenges but I wouldn't want it any other way.

I promise you all that my life is much more than three short paragraphs however, if I were to write it all down this would be more of a book and less of a blog post. From these three short posts it is safe to say that I value my family, friends, my education, and athletics. My life is far from normal and often times hectic but that is what keeps things interesting. Through this blog I hope to share with you all how I manage to balance it all.

Welcome

Hey there! After debating on whether or not to start a blog for a little over a year now I have finally found some time to put a little something together (in between feedings, diaper changes, practice, and homework). Although I am not the best writer in the world and my life may not be all that interesting, blogging is something that I have always wanted to do. While I hope that those of you who chose to read my blog find it interesting, I am doing this more so for myself. This blog is going to be an escape from my crazy and very hectic life. However, I do hope that through my posts you guys can learn a thing or two.  As many of you know, I am a new mom as well as a student-athlete so the majority of my posts while pertain to one of the three however, I will try my best not to bore any of you to death. With that being said please come along and enjoy this ride with me .